Will He Ever Be Mine?
by LoveAndLaughter
Summary: Phil is in love with Dan and has been for four years. He wants to tell Dan, but it's hard to confess your feelings to someone who goes out with a different girl every night. When Phil finally has the courage to tell Dan about his feelings, what will his reaction be? And will they even stay friends... May change to M later. Sucky summary give it a chance?
1. Chapter 1 - Phil

I guess you could say that this wasn't supposed to happen. I mean we are best friends and roommates for fucks sake. But you can't always control who you fall in love with.  
I started to develop feelings for Dan a couple years ago. I thought it was just a stomach flu at first, because I thought I was a straight man. I figured shortly after six months of this "stomach flu" that it was something different.  
I never thought I could have feelings for him. I've dealt with his bullshit for quite sometime now and not to mention the age difference. I mean, he's 22 and I'm 26 going on 27. I know it's only five years apart, but, and this is embarrassing, I haven't even been with that many girls as Dan has.  
Maybe I should have figured it out then. I don't even know how it happened. One day, he is my best friend, and the next I'm falling for this British lad, and I'm falling fast. It took me two years to fall in love with him and everyday I fall a little more in love. He stole my heart and I have no idea how he did it.  
I tried to think… think of the all the things I love and all the things Im not enthusiastic about. When I tried to think about them, all that came up was Daniel James Howell. He has been racking my brain for four years. I've managed to keep it under control, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it under wraps.  
Yesterday I had this horrid dream. I dreamt that life was perfect, but then I realized it wasn't as perfect as I thought it was before and these feelings surfaced. It was me and Dan living together as boyfriends. And then something changed. Dan changed. He said he was pitying me and didn't ever care about me. He said all these hurtful things, but only one stuck out. He told me that I would never have a chance with him because he doesn't like gays. I woke up because I had realized I was crying. Not the fake shit, but I was full-on sobbing. Dan came in because he heard the muffled sobs.  
_F•L•A•S•H•B•A•C•K_  
"Phil, what's the matter? Are you okay? Did you have a night terror?" I nodded, unable to speak.  
"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head because I didn't think I could talk about it without bursting into tears. He continued talking in a soothing voice, trying to calm me down. "Phil, it wasn't real." Dan kept saying, "It's okay. I'm here. Don't worry. I've got you safe. Do you want to come and sleep in my bed tonight? Maybe it will take the terrors away?"  
"Y-y-yeah. S-s-sure." That's when he knew it was a horrible night terror. I always stuttered when it was really bad. He looked at me sympathetically as we both got up and went into Dan's room.  
"Cuddle with me. SuperDan will protect you from any night terrors you have tonight." I moved closer to Dan and, since he was taller than me, I fit perfectly.  
_end of flashback_  
And that's how I woke up cuddled with Dan in his room. I woke up before my SuperDan and decided to get up and make some food, but every time I tried getting up Dan held me closer and tighter. I swear I heard him say, "Stay with me. Please, stay with me."  
Of course my brain had to pull me back into reality. 'He would never say that. He doesn't like you like that. You are his BEST FRIEND and that's it.' Well, that ruined my morning.  
Dan finally woke and realized that he still had his arms wrapped tight around me. He let go quickly and looked like he was blushing, but it was probably my imagination. I asked what he wanted for lunch since we slept so late. He said he wasn't hungry and seemed more interested in my night terror.  
"Phil?" I nodded for him to continue since I was cooking now that we were both in the kitchen. "What was your night terror about? You can tell me. I swear I won't judge or make fun of it. It must have been horrid to make you start stuttering."  
I started to get nervous. I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him the whole thing. So I thought about and decided to only tell him one part.  
"Well Dan, we were hanging out and then all of a sudden you were angry at me and said that you never really wanted to be my friend and that you just pitied me and that's the only reason you stuck around." I heard him get up and walk over to me. But what happened next surprised me.  
He came up behind me and hugged me. Though I found his action weird, it was really comforting. He looked at me strangely.  
"What?" I asked him. He just shook his head.  
"Nothing. Just having an awesome day with someone who is very important in my life," he whispered the next part in my ear, saying, "that's you, Phil." I could hear him smile as he was said that.  
'Maybe he does like me more than a friend… just maybe.' I pushed those thoughts to the back of my brain as I told Dan he didn't have to hang with me today.  
"I'm sure you have much better things to do than hang out with me. I'm not a very fun person you know." He just shook his head and told me that we were going to hang out whether I liked it or not. And that was the problem. I wasn't going to just like it. I was going to love it and think everything meant so much more when all it was was two friends hanging out.  
I got ready for a day with Dan which would consist of us doing nothing but playing violent videos games. When Dan plays them, I can't help but stare at him. He's absolutely adorable. I just want- stop! I can't keep having these thoughts about Dan.  
"Phil… Phillll…? Are you alright man?" I nodded and we spent the rest of the day playing games and talking. He asked me if anything or anyone was on my mind and I did my best to lie, but it was no use. He knew I was lying, so I told him that there was this person but the person wouldn't ever want to be with me and I didn't want to talk about it. And that was that, Dan didn't try to push the subject any further. I asked Dan the same thing and he said, "Not really. There is literally no one who would feel the same as me."  
Around midnight, I told Dan I was off to bed. I said goodnight and went to my room. My thoughts clouded my brain like a thick fog where you can't see two inches in front of you. I tried to sleep, but it was no use. Every dream I had was about Dan.  
I swear… this boy will be the death of me.


	2. Chapter 2 - Dan

~~Next Day 1 am~~  
I came home to find Phil in the kitchen sipping tea. I had just gone out on a date with Riley, or was it Rebecca, or Rachel? I dont even remember, is that bad? Anyways, Phil looked as if he was about to drop dead., he had bags under his eyes and his nose was a bit red.  
"Hey mate, what are you doing up so late?" He looked up startled, surprised I was home.  
I normally came home from dates around 2 or 3, so this was early for me.  
"Just wanted some tea." He grabbed his cup and left to his room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.  
I couldn't help but wonder if he was telling the truth.  
Honestly, Phil has been acting really weird for the past couple of months.  
It started when I started going out on these dates.  
He would always wait up, and then go to bed when I got home. Strange.  
I fell asleep around 2 and woke up at noon.  
Phil was gone when I got up, but he didnt leave a note. That was strange, he always left notes.  
But oh well, I guess that meant the house was mine for a few hours. I decided to call up Sarah, a girl I went out with last week, (or was it a couple days ago?), and go out for lunch.  
"Hey Sarah, I was wondering if you wanted to go on a lunch date with me… right now… Okay. I'll pick you up soon." I inwardly was happy she agreed, I never liked being home alone.  
I got ready for my date with Sarah. She came over 20 minutes earlier and waited for me to get ready. We went to go eat at this little restaurant nearby Phil and I's flat; although I can't remember the name of it, it was quite delicious. Sarah and I came back to my flat and Phil was still gone.  
'Something's wrong.' I thought. I quickly brushed the thought to the back of my mind as Sarah was leading me back to my bedroom. We started making out and it got very heated from there.  
Thirty minutes later, Sarah got ready and went home.  
By the time she was gone, it was already 2:30. Phil still wasn't home. I started getting more worried. I called PJ first, hoping Phil would be there and be on his way home.  
" 'ello?" I heard.  
"Peej, by any chance, is Phil over there?" I asked.  
"No. He isn't. Chris and Carrie are here, but not Phil. Sorry mate. I thought you guys were supposed to hang out at the park really early today?" Dammit! He was right. Phil wanted to go to the park to see the sunrise and I promised I would go with him. Fuck me.  
"Oh, right. Thanks, mate. I have to go. Bye." I ended the call before PJ said anything. Phil had to be at the park. Maybe if I found him, I could apologize for being a huge dick.

* * *

~~ the park~~  
I looked everywhere.  
Not one sign of Phil.  
I was freaking out. Phil would've called by now telling me where he was or who he was with.  
I had been searching for a few hours now and it was getting late. My phone's clock read 8:30. It was five hours since I'd gone looking for him.  
Oddly, it only felt like… an eternity! He had to be here.  
Finally around 10, I went back to the flat. Someone was sitting in front of the door. I rushed up to them to see if it was Phil, obviously. To my dismay, it was just my neighbor, Mindy.  
"Mindy, get up. Are you alright?"  
"Yes I'm quite fine. I was waiting for you to get home. I needed to talk to you. It's about Phil." My heart instantly sped. My stomach erupted with butterflies. I motioned with my hand for her to continue.  
"Well… Phil left. He said he couldn't take it anymore and so he left. I don't know what it was that he couldn't take, or where he was going, but he said he needed a break. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, Daniel."  
"H-he left?" I asked, stumbling over my words in disbelief. She nodded and departed from the flat with a solemn goodbye. I couldn't believe it. He left me. I couldn't move; I fell to the floor with tears running down my face, wondering why it hurt so much.  
I mean he is my best mate, but it was something more than that. It felt as if half of my heart was gone and even though I was looking for it, there was no point.  
My tears couldn't be stopped. They kept flowing as if it was raining. My heart cried out for Phil to come and soothe this horrible feeling. I felt empty. I felt as if my whole world crumpled right in front of me and I couldn't save it. I need him back.  
'What was I feeling? Why did I need him so badly? Why did he leave? Where is he?' All these questions ran through my head. I couldn't help but wonder why he had left.  
I couldn't sleep. My thoughts filled with everything I loved about Phil. Every little detail. Who knows if I would ever find him? He wouldn't answer my texts or return my calls. I need him, but have no idea where to find him. I need this boy back in my life.  
Phil… please come back. I need you. I can't believe you are gone. I miss you. I wandered into his room and saw his stuff was still there. There was a note next to… Lion. He left Lion?  
The note read…  
"Daniel, by the time you read this I'll be gone. I couldn't handle somethings, so I left. Please don't try to find me. I just need some time alone. I didn't want to leave, but I felt like I had to; it's just to clear my head and find out if what I feel is the real thing or just a crush. I don't know when or if I'll come back, but for now I'm gone. Please don't come look for me. I need this space.  
Goodbye. Love Phil."  
He left me… he fucking left me! He left me when I… when I… when I just realized my feelings for him.


	3. Chapter 3 - Phil

I left Dan. I couldn't stay there any longer. Though I didn't necessarily leave without a goodbye; I told our neighbor, Mindy. I told her everything from when I started getting these feelings for Dan to the feelings of not being good enough for him. I told her every detail down to the very last one. She understood how I felt and asked me if I told Dan that I was leaving.  
I shook my head and asked that she do it for me and she said she would. She promised me that she wouldn't say why I left or where I was going. I thanked her and went on my way.  
I decided to go to the one place I had found when I first moved to London and never showed anyone. Not even Dan. I put in my headphones and put my music on shuffle. Of course the first song would be a Muse song which reminded me of Dan, the reason I left.  
When I arrived to my hiding spot, I realized that I couldn't stay here, no matter how much I wanted to. I thought about places I could stay, even if only for the night. I thought and thought and thought until I came to a solution! I could most likely stay at Jake's house.  
Jake was my best friend for most of my schooling years. He went to a different university than me, but we still kept contact with each other. So I decided to call him and see if I could stay.  
"Hey, Jake. I have a question for you."  
"Yeah, mate? What's up?"  
"I was wondering if I could stay at yours for a few days. I left my flat because of him." Jake knew about my love for Dan so he understood who 'him' was.  
"Yeah sure man. Definitely. I have news to tell you when you get here though. So be prepared!"  
"Thanks, Jake. See you later." And with that, I hung up and hopped on a train. Jake lived five hours away from my flat, so I didn't get to see him that often. I wondered what the news was the whole train ride...  
I woke up when I felt someone shaking me. It frightened me to the point I almost let out a yelp. I opened my eyes to find Jake just looking at me with a smirk and trying to hold back his laughter at how easily I got frightened. I looked at him with a face that basically said,"Shut up."  
He just shook his head and told me to follow him, which I did. We finally got to his car and jut stayed silent until we reached his flat. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence; it was the kind you want to have with someone. It's the silence that you have when you realize you don't need to be talking to know that you are perfectly comfortable with that person.  
"What's the news?" I asked curiously, wanting to know. He shook his head and said, "You never were patient when it came to my news, you know that? But I'll show you. It's more of a show-and-tell. I hope you'll like it!" That just made me even more impatient, but I just nodded, knowing he was right.  
I grabbed all my things out of the trunk and followed Jake up to his flat. I was a little surprised to see an unfamiliar male sitting on his couch. I felt bad now. I made him leave his guest just so he could come get me at the train station.  
'Dammit Phil, you always ruin everything. Don't you? You just go somewhere and fuck it all up. That's why Dan doesn't care that you're gone; he's probably out shagging some girl. He won't come looking for you or won't bother to phone you. You're so naive, Phil, you believe many things but you know that none of them are true.  
Dan doesn't care; no one does. You're all alone. I hope you realize you're pathetic and worthless. It's no wonder you're all alone. Now don't you wish you'd just ended it all when things just were worse? Before you met Dan, you could've ended it all and not has to dealt with this. But no, you're a fucking pussy and coward.'  
My thoughts were ruining my life. They never seemed to stop. I must have spaced out because Jake turned to me and asked, "Everything alright, Phil?" I nodded, feeling that if I started to talk, I would burst into tears. I feel bad now. I knew I should have come here…  
"Phil, seriously are you okay? You're making me worried. Should I be worried? You took your pills today, right?"  
"Yeah. I took them." Jake gave me a look.  
"Ok, most of them." I admitted.  
Jake raised an eyebrow.  
"Half of them;" I said then sighed, realizing there was no point in lying, "Ok, I only took one. I just don't feel like myself when I'm on that many. Sorry Jake." I turned and looked at the man on the couch and said,"Hi I'm Phil. I am a friend of Jake's."  
"I'm Dylan. It's nice to meet you. I'm Jake's boyfriend." I was in shock. All these years, I thought he was straight. I laughed, but then realized that it seemed rude and just stopped.  
"Sorry. I just didn't ever think Jake was gay. I didn't mean to laugh."  
Jake just looked at me with sympathy and Dylan looked at me like I was mental. Technically I was considered mental considering all the pills I had to take just to get through the day.  
Jake gave me a look. It was a look I knew for years because of all the times he gave it to me. It was the "take-your-pills-now-or-else" look.  
Jake was the only person outside of my family that knew. I never told Dan in fear that he would leave. The story… the infamous story of my shit life. The infamous story of how I tried to end it all during university.  
_STORY OF PHIL'S ALMOST END_  
I was just tired of dealing with everything. My family didn't want me when they found out I was gay. They found out in my freshman year of high school. All they cared about was the fact that their reputation would get damaged. So I kept it hidden for the world… until I found myself with a boyfriend.  
My parents were disappointed and kept calling me these horrid names, so one night I decided to ease the pain. I had depression for about six years before junior year of university.  
I had self harmed and tried to commit, but would never succeed. I needed a lot of pills. Pills for depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and pills for my bipolar disorder. I started taking pills and just kept cutting until I started to feel dizzy.  
I walked down the stairs toward my parents. They looked up and seemed horrified. Their faces were full of sadness and confusion. That was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital and I was disappointed to find out I failed… again.  
And now I'm here. To this day, I've never told anyone else about anything and I don't want to. I've hid it from so many people; it's never going to be told. I've still got depression and anxiety. But I take pills to get through the day. I've stopped taking them. I've started to get worse.  
Jake noticed I was staring off into space and asked Dylan to leave so he could talk to me. Dylan said fine because he was tired and was off to bed anyways. As soon as Dylan left Jake asked me to tell him everything.  
It was almost 1 in the morning before I got finished telling him everything. I told I'd stopped taking my pills and stopped going to therapy. He got mad at me for that. But I just couldn't handle it anymore.  
By three in the morning, I headed off to bed and fell into a deep sleep full of nightmares...  
~~NEXT DAY~~  
I woke up at 13:00 and was all alone. I found a note taped to my door that said, "Went out. Home alone, be back at 20:00. -Jake&Dylan"  
I was here alone with my thoughts. These next seven hours would not be pleasant. I couldn't trust myself to be alone, yet I didn't want to be around people.  
My thoughts started to get worse. I started towards the knife cabinet, but stopped myself. To distract myself from these horrendous thoughts, I decided to go to the cinema near my flat. I left a note to let them know just incase I wasn't back before they were.  
Little did I know, I would run into someone at the cinema. Someone I didn't have the urge to see.


	4. Chapter 4 - Phil

I saw him there. No, no, not Dan. Dan doesn't do cinema dates. It was the man who ripped out my heart before Dan threw it in the shredder. He was there with her. The girl he thought was better. It was Jason. Jason and Alison.  
Jason was the boy who showed me what it felt like to be with a guy… that way. I thought we were perfect together until he called me up and said he didn't want to he with me anymore. Said he found someone new, someone better. Alison was that someone better. So while Alison and Jason were having the time of their lives, I was stuck on the sideline, waiting to find someone to help.  
They were the last in line at the cinema; I had no choice to go up and wait in line right behind them. I hoped and hoped that they wouldn't notice me, but today I was unlucky. As soon as I got in line, he turned around.  
"Phil.…? Phil, is that you? Ali, you remember Phil right?" She nodded and I did the same. We were both trying to get out of the awkward situation, but Jason was super oblivious. You could cut the awkward tension with a knife. I started to feel uneasy. I came up with the best excuse I could think of in a short amount of time which was, "I forgot I have to get back home. I have a live show." Fortunately for me, he believed me. I left and just walked around 'til I got to the park.  
Unfortunately for me, Dan was there. He was sitting on the swings holding hands with another girl. I wanted to crumple up into a ball and just let out all my emotions, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I had to try and be strong. I had to get away before he noticed me.  
It was a good attempt, but sadly, I failed. I tripped and fell. Clumsy Phil, clumsy, clumsy Phil. Dan turned around and saw me on the floor. He was walking over to me; although he was walking slowly, he got over to me just as I was getting up.  
"Phil? What are you doing here?"  
"Just out for a walk on a beautiful afternoon/evening. But I must go now. Goodbye, Dan."  
I turned and walked away before he could even open his mouth to respond.  
'Well today was eventful,' I thought, 'You're no good Phil. Why do you think Jason left? Why do you think Dan never chased after you?' I shook my head, trying to get the nasty thoughts to leave my brain.  
I made it to Jake's flat in less than five hours, I have no idea how, but I did.  
As soon as I opened the door, I was bombarded with questions from Jake.  
"Where were you?" "What happened?" "Are you okay?" "Phil, did you do anything stupid?" "Why aren't you answering?" "Talk to me, goddamn it."  
It was finally put to an end when Dylan said,"Let him be! God, Jake." And then he left. Like as in he left the flat. I looked at Jake with a confused look and then began answering his questions.  
"1. I was out. 2. Nothing bad. Just ran into people I didn't want to run into. 3. I'm fine. 4. I wasn't answering because you kept talking."  
I took in a massive breath because saying all that in one breath is very difficult. "Now, I have a question for you. What's up with you and Dylan? Why is he mad?" Jake tried to brush off my questions with a shrug, but I looked at him and said, "Nope not this time. Tell me what happened."  
"Ugh, fine Phil. He's upset because he says that I spend most of the days worrying about you instead of paying attention to him. I told him that we're practically brothers and I was told to worry about you. He didn't want to hear any of it. He doesn't want you here, Phil. I told him that I can't let you go back to that heartbreaker. He's mad and he said that as long as you're still here, he'll be mad."  
I took in a deep breath. So it really was my fault. "Are you oaky, Phil?" I nodded, fearing that if I spoke my voice would show how I actually felt.  
"I'm going to go. I'm gonna get my stuff and leave as soon as I can, okay? I don't want you and Dylan to break up because of me. Can I just stay here for the night?"  
Jake nodded and I went to my "room". I locked the door because I didn't want to be disturbed at all tonight. I would leave early in the morning. I knew today was going to be a bad day.  
I walked over to the box that held them. The shiny metal blades. I couldn't stand it. I hated how they had this effect on me; it felt like they were always calling out to me, making me feel as if they were the only choice. As I was walking towards them, I felt this darkness over me. It made things worse.  
My thoughts were getting louder. I put headphones in and turned it up to the loudest setting yet the thoughts seemed to be louder. The metal ran over my skin a few times. I saw the crimson red blood poor onto the stained towel I had. Jake was pounding on the door. Luckily I knew he couldn't get in. I ran the metal deeper into my arm, making the blood poor out faster. I was feeling dizzier with each cut. The last thing I remember before blacking out was Dylan opening the door and yelling for Jake to call 999.  
~~Few hours later~~  
I woke up in a bright white room. I felt as if I was being blinded. I really hoped that I had succeeded, but when I looked around, I noticed that someone else was in the room. To my surprise, it was Dylan.  
"Dylan…? What are you doing here?"  
"Phil… you tried killing yourself and you care about why I'm here?" I nodded because I thought the guy hated me. "I stayed while Jake went to call Dan. I know what it's like to be here, believe it or not. I was you once. Except I didn't cut, I OD'ed."  
"Why didn't it work?" I thought I mumbled softly enough so Dylan couldn't hear, but he heard.  
"It didn't work because you're not supposed to be gone yet. You still have an amazing life ahead of you."  
"No, I really don't. I honestly don't. The boy I love never will love me. The boy I thought was perfect for me broke my heart. My parents hate me because I'm gay. I wasn't supposed to be here. I really wasn't. I don't belong here. I'm tired. Tired of living and waiting. We're born to live, but we live to die." Dylan shook his head. He opened his mouth to reply when Dan came rushing in.  
"Phil! Phil, look at me. Speak to me."  
I couldn't look at the man who was breaking my heart everyday. I looked at Dylan, but all he could do was give me a look of sympathy. It was then I realized that Dylan was holding my hand. 'When did he grab my hand?' I thought.  
Dan followed my gaze to Dylan, then to our linked hands, and then to me. "Who the fuck are you, mate? Why are you holding Phil's hand?"  
"I'm Dylan. You must be Dan. But I'm holding Phil's hand because he needs support. Don't worry, I'm not his boyfriend. I'm with Jake." Dan looked slightly relived that Dylan wasn't my boyfriend, but Dan still looked jealous when Dylan hadn't let go of my hand.  
"Dan, why are you here?" I asked after the long silence. He looked at me as if I asked the stupidest question ever.  
"I'm here because my best friend tried to kill himself."  
"You don't have to stay. I bet you probably have a date tonight. Just go. I'll be fine, I swear."  
"Phil…"  
"Go."  
And he left. As soon as he was gone, I started sobbing. Through my sobs, I choked out, "They're sending me to the loony bin, aren't they?" Dylan nodded his head. "They will keep you for a maximum of ten days. And then you can come back to mine and Jake's flat."  
"But… you don't want me there. You never did. Jake told me."  
"At first, I admit that I didn't like having you there because Jake would pay a lot of attention to you. Now I understand why he did. I do have a question. Why did you stop taking your meds?"  
"I didn't feel like myself with them. I didn't want them. Don't make me take anymore." While Dylan was saying that I need to, Jake came in. His face was solemn.  
"They're gonna take you now. I just had to sort some stuff out with the nurses and Dan."  
I nodded and got ready to go. I had to "get better" just so people didn't feel the need to look after me.  
~~psych ward~~  
I looked back at Jake and Dylan.  
"See you soon?"  
They both nodded with tears in their eyes. As I was pulled into the ward, I saw them slowly walking away. Every few seconds they would look back.  
I had to get better for them. For me. For… him.


End file.
